I can think of about fifteen things that I OUGHT to be doing, just off the top of my head, without putting an ounce of thought into it….instead…I sit and write. I write because today capped off a whirlwind of a week…..whirlwind in a very good way. A remarkably enlightening week.
I’ve mentioned Byron Katie before (have you checked her out yet? I still highly recommend her…). She tells a story–it could be a parable I don’t know–about someone who sees this thing in the road. That person panics, thinking it’s a snake. The person works up the courage to approach this snake, only to learn that it’s nothing more than a rope. Once that person realizes that it’s just a rope, they can’t go back and have the fear again–at least over that particular ‘snake’.
I had one of those moments where I ‘learned that the snake wasn’t a snake after all; its merely a rope’ on Wednesday. I was led through a thought process pertaining to my family. Let me rewind and just share this:
I shared in my Spiritual Practices class the meditation that I do, focusing on sending love to my mother, my father, my sister, and my brother. I shared that I’ve been experiencing less of a painful void in situations that would previously have stung quite a lot.
In that sharing, I was asked what things am I ready and willing to release pertaining to my family. I stated the thought of feeling alone–because I’m certainly not alone, I just don’t associate with those specific people. I included the fact that I feel defensive of my reasons for having separated from them when people discuss families and my story makes its way to the conversation.
I was then asked a difficult question. I don’t remember the exact way it was phrased, but I was asked ‘what can you say about their spiritual truth?’ or something along those lines. And this is where the AHA moment started. I saw it forming with this question, but just enjoyed the ride to see where it was taking me. After a very long pause, some contemplation, I answered with “I am completely confident that this journey with them has played out EXACTLY the way it has needed to. They have held up their end of the soul contract between myself and them”
“What does that sound like to you?”
I furrowed my brow a couple of times as I was ‘seeing the rope for a rope’ and said simply and quietly: Love.
My instructor responded softly with “That sounds like unconditional love to me.” She let that sink in for me for a moment before continuing.
“When you rise above the situation and look at the soul-to-soul interaction, that looks like unconditional love: ‘I love you enough that I will do ANYTHING I need to in order to help you along your journey'”
IT’S NOT A SNAKE!!!
Along the way, and I think I’ve written this at least once, I always believed that my family didn’t have the CAPACITY for love, let alone unconditional love. But that’s EXACTLY what they were demonstrating to me, on a soul level, was pure, profound, unconditional love by being in the soul contract with me. I asked them to fulfill such a painful role–caregivers who didn’t much appear to be caregivers at all–so I could learn one of my life lessons (demonstrations of unconditional love) in a way that I would fully grasp and understand and embrace. The soul of my mother and father had to set aside the instinct to nurture and protect and support and love to give me what my soul needed. That’s love. That’s unconditional love. Rising above the situation, separate from our egoic selves, that’s love. True. Unconditional.
Do they know about our soul contract? I don’t know. I don’t suspect they do if they’re still in their ego selves. But they truly gave me EVERYTHING I needed. From a place of LOVE.
It’s not a snake. It never was a snake.
I feel like this would serve as a separate entry, but eh. I wanna write it as one 🙂
Today, at my spiritual community, a beautiful and sensational speaker spoke to us. She happens to be the person who introduced me to Kundalini meditation. Actually…that’s only a half truth. I knew ABOUT kundalini meditation before, but she was a conduit to me learning and embracing more about it. Her and I have one of those connections that you can’t really explain but most everyone is lucky enough to have at least once in their lives–we just connected. Energetically and on a soul level. Her energy is really beautiful and radiant. She is something else…I have no words for it. She’s real and in her human experience, but her energy is abundant.
Anyway, her talk was titled “Why you’re not meant to fit in”. She shared a bit about her story, which resonates a lot with mine. And she mentioned your LIGHT. And when you try to blend in, fit in, be a chameleon, not only do you not succeed at fitting in, you dull your light. You are not true to your soul, your soul’s purpose, your truth.
I spent 32 years of my life trying to fit in, trying to be the person my family wanted me to be…some habits I picked up from them as a result of trying to fit in and others I just couldn’t adopt as my own. But I still repeatedly tried to fit in with them. I failed EVERY time. Not only did I hate myself because I still didn’t fit in with them (and, seriously, what is WRONG with someone who doesn’t fit in and get along with their ENTIRE family?!), I had their bad habits as my own, too! And they were habits I detested.
I spent so much of my life hating life, hating myself, hating trying to fit in with them, hating never being able to fit in. I spent so much energy on wanting to die, thinking of ways that I could take my life without impacting anyone–because no one would miss me anyway since I don’t fit in with anyone.
I HATED the life I was living. I did not, with every ounce of my being, want to continue living it if it had to be that way.
Because I didn’t fit in.
And in trying to fit in, I wasn’t allowing my true self to BE, to shine. In reflection, I don’t know what was more exasperating and what contributed more to the depression and suicidality: not being able to fit in or not being able to BE ME.
I’m not meant to fit in. None of us are meant to fit in. We’re meant to shine.
This morning’s speaker finished with a point (actually a quote from Yogi Bhajan, but I don’t remember the specifics of it and I can’t find it….though I can certainly find a whole slew of amazing points from him)
We aren’t meant to fit in and blend in–or even to fix other people if we ‘know better’ than them. We’re meant to be a lighthouse. Which stands alone. Shining its light. Guiding. But simply standing alone and shining. It is useless without its light.