I don’t think triggers will ever cease to amaze me.
I’ve been going along, minding my own business, applying inquiry to stressful thoughts that I want to change, just plugging along, finally enjoying life as an adventure. I feel like I’ve FINALLY been able to GET it. Just LIVE. And SMILE. And ENJOY. It’s a process through which we learn, this thing called life. And I do love to learn. It’s all a work in progress—but it’s not WORK. It’s here for us to ENJOY.
Anyway, so I was driving along to work, minding my own business, just taking in the sights. I was really enjoying seeing the small town come to life for the day. There was a woman sitting in her rocking chair on her front porch. I spotted a guy who clearly just rolled out of bed, didn’t even greet his hair brush yet, sleepily trudge down the street. Then I spotted a little girl—probably three years old, maybe four. She sported a backpack that was at least half her size and from the road, I could see the curly hair that fell beyond her shoulders. She was dragging a guy through the front door and into the world by the hand. He obviously wasn’t as eager to be awake as she was. All in a moment, I took in so much. I could see the radiance of her smile; I could feel her excitement for heading off to a day at preschool.
With that, my heart ached. It was an ache that caught me by surprise—in suddenness and intensity. My whole body and soul were overcome with grief and sadness. I kept myself composed for another fifteen minutes until I pulled into the parking lot of Wawa. I sat in my car and wept. Tears were in endless supply as my heart just ached. I have no idea how much that little girl actually resembled my twin nieces, but in my mind, the story I created in just a moment about that little girl reminded me so much of the twins.
I instantly recalled the joy and excitement to meet the twins for the first time, to see them every weekend, to watch them in their little advances to becoming little people, to see their personalities develop. I recalled in an instant, and felt grateful for the fact that they taught me the meaning of unconditional love, all just because they were born. I never had a concept of just what that phrase, unconditional love, meant. It was lost on me—I never felt it, never received it—prior to them. Goodness, they didn’t even have to be born yet and I loved them to the moon and back. Their absence from my life, not knowing them, not having the privilege of continuing to watch their personalities develop, not witnessing them learn more and more and more has all caused such a void and a sadness that I cannot even begin to describe. In my car, outside wawa, I just sat there, weeping, allowing that void to just be. My heart aches to know them. My heart aches for the whole situation to be different. I yearn to know who they are becoming. I used to tell myself that I wouldn’t want to know them anyway, as they grow up to become mini versions of my sister. That statement kept the hurt at bay for a little while. Because I just love them just because they are, that didn’t ease any of the pain this morning.
I got myself together enough to go inside wawa for my coffee fix and not make it obvious to everyone in there that I had been crying, climbed back into my car and cried the whole way to work. I thought about how the canyon between myself and my family is a daily decision—it’s not something I really want to cross….but it sucks, for some reason that I still haven’t been able to fully comprehend, to be the ‘curse word’ of the family. I have literally NO idea how parents can completely turn their backs on one of their offspring and have no desire to know how the world is treating that person—it sucks to be the person whose parents managed to pull off such an impressive feat with. As much as I know that the canyon between us is the fairest thing to me, it sucks to not have my presence missed or desired. I can’t begin to understand why it sucks—their company isn’t something that is healthy to have…….
All of those emotions, tears, ache all because of that curly-haired little girl who was excited to start her day. And through and despite the grieving process, I shall be excited to see what today holds for me.