Over the past couple days, I’ve spent a number of hours at work and in my car listening to Shaun T (the fitness guru from Insanity, etc) on his podcasts. One thing that he and his husband address in a podcast makes me want to address something in my life.
I realize that I write of all of these things from my childhood—the way my parents and sister treated me, the way I acted in school—and I could be perceived as whining. I don’t intend it to be whining and complaining in any way. I am finally taking a good, long, deep, hard look at myself, my attitude, my perspectives, my reactions, my feelings, my emotions and understanding exactly WHY certain things are so natural to me. Or were….all of those things that I would easily resort to are starting to unravel as ‘wow….that’s REALLY not natural. Those are REALLY dysfunctional things’. In certain ways…well…in MOST ways, I consider my past as a necessary part of forming and molding my character. I wouldn’t be really looking at certain things, like learning to BE HAPPY and JOYFUL, if I didn’t have the past that I did.
If I had a healthy relationship with my parents, I might not be as appreciative of the strongest woman I’ve ever known. If I grew up in a loving and peaceful and genuine home, I don’t know that I would really be so appreciative and work so hard to have that in my adult years.
I write the blogs that I do and tell the stories that I do because they’re being revealed to me as certain reasons and the backbone of the way I learned to do things. In sharing them and picking them apart, I might help someone realize that they have a bad habit now (that they may or may not realize) because of something that shaped them in their influential years. In my influential years, I learned a lot of anger and hatred and LOUD ‘love’. My better half pointed out that that’s the only language that I’ve understood, up until this point where I’m starting to learn a new language.
I’m grateful for the past that I have because it’s helped to make me as strong, persistent, independent, and strong-willed as I am today. I’m also grateful for the unwinding of those things that used to seem to serve such a functional purpose….and the support of my better half as I deconstruct the only foundation that I’ve ever known and build anew.