From hatred to compassion

So originally, after learning just how detested I am by my family of origin, I had an aching to write them a letter or an email.This was what I typed up that I wanted to send to them:

Thank you thank you thank you.

Tony (and Sally),

Thank you so much for making my world better by leaving it! It’s so much happier and more full of love and compassion without you and Sally in it.

Please have it be known, that if you remain with the delusion that you and Sally did nothing wrong–ESPECIALLY Sally, you remain as crazy as your late father-in-law.

 

I am SO grateful to be dead to you. Thank you for doing me two enormous favors: bringing me into the world to find a real, true, loving family in the Rosenkaimer/Pierce’s and Shea’s, and throwing me away from the Maiale ‘family’ without even knowing me.

 

Enjoy Jack and delusional living.

Goodbye and good riddance.

 

I thought about it, though, and I realized that I may want to send them something to hurt them, but I would most definitely end up being very dissatisfied with myself for sending them something with the intent to try and hurt them (and the likely resulting disappointment that I would probably fail at hurting them).

 

And then, I thought more about it and I wrote out these thoughts:

While the aforewritten note is what I would like to say to the people who brought me into this world, I think it’s better not to. I know that it’s my vengeful ego that really really really wants to send it–or convey it to them in some way, through whatever medium.

I feel like it does nothing for good, not even me in the long run.

The following are statements of truth (and in parentheses, a yes or no to answer ‘is it REALLY true?’):

~~I hate them. (No–I don’t know what it feels like to hate someone. I don’t know that I know what that word really means)

~~I wish death on them, just like they did on me (no–there’s no need…we are all going to die at some point)

~~I wish they were in a position of need from me where I can rejoice in thumbing my nose at them and tell them ‘I am acting with as much love for you as you had for me when I was a child’. (No. That’s certainly not true. I would struggle with turning my back on someone in need)

~~They believe that they didn’t do anything wrong at all. They are wrong. They didn’t do anything right with raising me. They are delusional. (I believe that they do not have the same story as I do. I don’t believe they have the mental capacity to remember it the way that it actually happened. I don’t think that anyone has the capacity to live with themselves if they accepted the truth as it really happened. I don’t think that them not recalling my childhood as bad as it really was is malicious on their part–I think it’s the way they cope and live with themselves.)

 

And then I thought more about Leigh, than about them.

First I thought I hate her. But…then I think that I don’t really know what that word really means. I thought about that concept and then moved on to the next one. It consists of compassion for her. She was so abusive. She was so hurtful. Intentionally. She WANTED to hurt Tony and I, just like Mom did. She went out of her way to try to do anything to bring either him or I to tears—using her hands or her words. She didn’t care as long as we were crushed or hurt.

Where does that COME from? How do kids BECOME like that?? What happens to them that it gets to that point?

How much do you have to do to your SOUL to want to satisfy your mentally ill mother by bringing your siblings to tears? How much would you break down if you realized that the monsters in the mirror were part of your past? They don’t have to consume you or your future anymore….but they were definitely in your past.

How scared must she be to do everything in her power to avoid facing the demons of her past? How horrifying must it be to work so intently hard at keeping them at bay? How scary looking at them, facing them, realizing their existence, bidding them farewell must be. And all that—all that hard and scary work—is necessary to actually be able to allow yourself to love. And allow yourself to BE loved. All that is necessary to be able to move on from the past, stop living in it, and create a future that’s TRULY desired.

I used to hate my older sister because of how vicious she was, how cruel she could be, how cold and callous she is. Now I realized that the reason she is so cold is because she HAS to be. She HAS to be that cold and callous to be able to sleep with herself at night. She also has to be cold and callous so that she doesn’t get love (because she doesn’t “deserve” it you know). And if she’s cold and callous and hurtful and still people try to love her….she has to be more cold, more callous, more hurtful. Those people who still love her will be in constant battle if they openly dislike her actions.

I wish I knew a way to break the cycle. I think that part of her…the part that thinks that she really truly doesn’t deserve love ‘won’ when I walked away.

 

I don’t know what to do about all that….but it’s a lot more….loving to address her (even the thought of her) with compassion instead of hate.

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