Fears

I have a long commute–one I’ve grown to appreciate. It allows for a huge variety of different things: self-reflection in a sort of meditative state, chatting on the phone, catching up on the news or letting the universe pick your songs for you (that’s actually fun: I’ll put pandora on and think “what message do I need to pay attention for today?” It’s usually something amazing). 

This morning, I put on ‘skyscraper’ radio on pandora. It’s my ‘I’m strong and I’ll push through’ station. Last night when I put it on, the first song that played was ‘Let Me Love You’–how perfect for my current situation. Today was a playlist of songs that reminded me ‘you’re human. It’s ok. It really is. It’s ok to have flaws and BE human’ which led me on an interesting journey of emotions. 

A thought popped into my head: oh my god. What, though, if my facade is blown?! What if people I really care about see the real me that I was always told I am? What if my loved ones and friends, who think I’m smart or strong or loving, find out that it’s all just a facade?? What if they think I’m stupid?! What if they see that I’m weak and fragile and afraid?! What if they see that I’m so unloving and undeserving?! What if they realize all that they believed to be true about me is false and they see ‘the truth’?!?! These are people who’s opinions DO matter to me! And what if their current opinions change and they realize just how wrong they were about me???

I remember when I was younger, my mom insisted that my brother and I were stupid. So she poured money into sylvan learning center. I know one part of it was that she liked to feel good that she paid for something ‘good’ for he and I, plus she was convinced that neither of us were smart enough. For my brother, school just wasn’t his thing. He was smart through school but it was boring to him, so he took up being the class clown. I was a pretty much straight A student in the highest level classes. The teachers and tutors couldn’t figure out why my mom made me go to sylvan. I remember one asked me what more she expected and I remember telling him ‘I don’t know–I’m just not good enough and need to be better.’ This teacher reminded me of that four years later when I coordinated with him to shadow him for an education (my then major) requirement. What if my loved ones catch on to how stupid I am?!

What if my better half, my dearest friends realize ‘she’s NOT a beautiful soul! She is ugly! And mean! She is NOT lovable!’

I realize that the journey is a long one, because I ask those questions genuinely. I can step outside myself and realize what I would tell a dear friend with the same questions….but embracing, living it out is a whole different ball game. 

Inch by inch, everything is a cinch………

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