I’ve needed to get this out for a while, but I wasn’t ready to put it on my blog. I don’t think I have anything to lose—for myself or someone who might be directed here.
I am an abuser. I wasn’t able to say these words before. I wasn’t far enough along in my journey to see this. I am at a point in my growth that I can clearly see that I am an abuser—not just of others, but of myself too. I’m an ‘intimidator’, an ‘interrogator’ (from Celestine Prophecy). I bully and I push buttons. This fills a need inside me because somewhere inside of me, if I’m able to get a negative reaction from pushing buttons, then I associate that with love. Some sick and twisted belief that a negative reaction that results in a catastrophic explosion confirms in some way that I’m garbage or loved. Fighting is a language I understand. I understand it as equivalent to love or I’m trash and I confirm and find comfort in my familiar place of “I’m worthless. I’m unlovable. I should be thrown away.”
This is not my life anymore, though.
I used to live life like a bird—someone does something that you don’t like and you peck at the. Or a cat—you swat and hiss at them.
That isn’t what a loving, compassionate spirit does. Someone who is understanding will try and gain the other person’s perspective before any negativity comes out; will try to understand motives; will try to either accept or explain. A reaction of scolding or hooting and hollering isn’t loving….nor is it productive because it won’t even be received. It will be so counter-productive….NO good will or can come of it—no one will feel loved or supported; no one will feel heard and appreciated and understood; no one will feel respected. Truly NOTHING good will be accomplished. There is no sense in having a reaction of a bird or a cat.
A gentleness, a tenderness, a loving approach “I really love you, but I’m not a fan of when you…..”
There isn’t a need to compete for power or energy. Slow down and BREATHE. There is unlimited energy to draw from. Don’t bully someone for theirs. Slow down. Take a deep, refreshing and cleansing inhale. Exhale the urge to intimidate or compete for that which is unlimited. Exhale an abundance of love and energy to the surroundings.
It REALLY, TRULY is safe to let go of the negatives of the past—all the negative beliefs, habits, and agreements. Let. Them. Go.