Since I posted a blog earlier that discussed the definition of love (which I’m still in awe over all of those words together, and their power), I was thinking about forgiveness. We forgive those around us. And yet, most of us struggle to forgive ourselves. Oh goodness am I ever guilty of that.
So if I am going to start demonstrating ‘PROFOUNDLY TENDER AND PASSIONATE AFFECTION’ for myself, then I probably should understand what it means to forgive, since they do go hand in hand. I find it difficult to have any amount of affection for someone I might be holding a grudge against……
And so back to dictionary.com I go to look up forgiveness. It tells me that forgiveness is to ‘grant pardon for or remission of (an offense, debt, etc); absolve’. Another one is ‘grant pardon to’ and still a third says that to forgive is to ‘cease to feel resentment against’
Hmm. I’m very critical. I weigh all of my ‘misbehaviors’ probably far beyond what they deserve and I DO NOT grant pardon to myself for them. I hold on to the action….as a punishment for myself. And my problem is that if I act against someone I feel GUILTY forgiving myself, even if they’ve forgiven me.
Why do we refuse to go easy on ourselves? Why do we struggle so insanely with forgiveness?
My goal: let it go once I’ve learned the lesson that it was meant to teach me. Hold on to the lesson and embrace THAT. What sense does it make to weigh myself down with all of the extra baggage? I can’t continue working on and being a better me if I’m weighing myself down with crap.
I had a TERRIBLE weekend this past weekend. I found so many triggers that I thought I was really making headway with–so many of them came right back up to the surface. I decided today, though, that I NEED to let that go. I need to look FORWARD and NOT back if I really want to make progress with my triggers. I told my better half that I want to move on from the weekend. It was horrible. I want the takeaway to ONLY be the lessons. And I have to allow myself to feel like that really is acceptable. I made mistakes. I responded to triggers. Did it SUCK? Tremendously. Is it worth not forgiving myself for to allow myself to do better with those same issues next time? No. Not at all. I’m human. Sadly I have a whole slew of unlearning to do. I have to be forgiving and not critical. I have to have profound tenderness and gentleness for myself as I relearn a better way of doing things. If I continue to berate and attack and refuse forgiveness, I am only perpetuating cycles that I want nothing to do with. And the perpetuation of those cycles will only allow me to continue doing what I’ve always done.
I’m breaking the cycle: I’m going to offer forgiveness to myself and accept it. I’m going to move on WITHOUT berating myself so that I’m PERMITTED to do better, be better, and start to become WHO I’m DESTINED to be. I have to start SOMEWHERE. And that’s where I choose to start.
Lisa, you made tremendous mistakes. You’re ashamed of those mistakes. Allow yourself to learn from them. Shame won’t allow you to accomplish that. Acceptance that you’re human and you made a mistake. See them for what they are–learn from them, accept them. You can’t take them back so use them as tools so that you can do better next time. It’s ok. It’s not the end of the world. Pick yourself up and keep going. This will be a stepping stone for you down the road. it’ll be an invaluable tool that you can’t gain any other way. I’m sorry that it has to be painful–but accept the lesson and forgive yourself. And that really is all that needs to happen about THE PAST.